The programmer is always wrong

So today was my first meeting with the big client. I was in no way prepared, how could I be? No email, no code, no access…I was ready to rock and roll!

I return from my classes to find that a meeting was going on. I was initially dismissed because it was not my time, to be displayed to them to be verbally abused. I take the opportunity to contemplate what I will say for myself…but mainly I surfed the net.

When the time came I painted on a big smile and went notebook in hand to the jackals. One of them I had met before Big Wig 1, and the other boss Big Wig 2. With a smile I introduce myself and exchange handshakes. But before I can even sit down Big Boss 1 hits me with “So Shameful, what are you going to do for us?”

Through my fake smile I reply “Well I guess that depends on what you want and what and when you want it” She looks angrily at my boss and beings to talk in broad generalities how terrible the product she is using is. The last programmer here built it for them, and she HATES him. “OldGuy never fixed anything that we asked for!” As she is detailing her distain for the program I write it down, since I know I’ll have to addresses these concerns later and they are shockingly minor but then she spits out a nugget of pure gold. OldGuy’s program would not let them rewrite their history logs.

See it turns out that they have process they have to work through, by law if I’m not mistaken, that is built into the current program. Once a record is generated it is not altered and subsequent reports have to me made to amend it. After all it prevents people from going in and changing records after the fact. Turns out obeying the law is painfully inconvenient for Big Wig 1 and her staff. Trying not to be overly confrontational I point out that the system is one based on the permission structure they provided our office and it’s in accordance with the design we were forced to implement. Not to be dissuaded Big Wig 1 continued to rail against the unfairness of obeying the law. To my utter amazement my boss actually supported my stance, but could not stop the tirade.

An idea struck me, to hell with it, let them violate the rules. I’d implement a design change that would let them violate the rule but would keep a paper trail that any investigator could follow. The Big Wigs seemed quite pleased with my suggested change. Though I’m not sure they understood that what I meant about keeping an ongoing record of the transactions including the altered and deleted ones. I don’t really know their real motives, but that’s their problem not mine. After all I can claim ignorance of the law, I’m just a law student and we don’t know dick.

Onto the next issue, I explain that since the code they are using is about to be made useable by Windows 7 I advocate a change to a whole new system. This is greeted by open hate “Well how fast can you get it to us?” Now I have no data to work no process structure, no code, no help, not even basic email, so I lie and estimate 2-3 months “Well OldGuy promised us stuff for years and we never got it, we have been waiting since 2001 and he never got around to it!” The tirade continued and I continued gave assurances. I wonder if she thinks I’m stupid, the first version of the program they are using wasn’t even rolled out till 2003.

The conversation continued and Big Wig 1 threatened my boss with doing business with the same consultant my boss had given our code out to. It was all I could do not to break down laughing. I mean seriously he just gave away our code base to the competition…what’s next will he actually the consultants be sitting in my office behind me watching my screen so he can steal code on the fly? I made a new vow, from now on my comments will be pure garbage. If I have to give my code away to some random asshole consultant then it’s going to be hard to understand…maybe I’ll code my comments in Mandarin. Is it wrong I hope he the consultant gets the contract? All he does is subcontract out code to Indian programmers, and we all know how quality that work is.

After Big Wig 1 was done insulting me and OldGuy, another meeting was set for next Friday because as it turns out the person who actually knows the process and can give me the data to start the database is not around. So I have the pleasure of doing this again next week. I’ve been promised the process data, a log of the reported errors, and the source code by then…So I’m taking odds on if I will have any of that before the meeting. Currently I’m estimating that at a solid 1-2% chance of happening. Thank God it’s Friday, maybe tonight I can drown my shame in vodka, or Old Spice.