No code, no process, no problem

Today was another meeting. Another meeting about a project I have no information about. The situation from last week is unchanged, no access, no code, no information, no problem.

This week a panel is assembled to talk about their grievances, their wants, their desires, and their disdain of the current product. I created documents describing the project as I understand it, and they are promptly ignored. They will not be tied down by documentation or the need to file out paperwork, this is strictly an off the cuff demand list. As they go through the demands I point out that they assume that I know their process, and I don’t. The demands continue. They begin talking about ANOTHER database that I’m supposed to be building, of which I had no knowledge of. After hitting me with that and Boss giving no support, they finally relent and talk about their process.

The process is largely nonsensical, which is no surprise. The one I struggled to get my mind around was how the preliminary report would magically turn into the first supplemental report. Especially since I will be force locking down the preliminary report and according to their definition the supplemental report is brand new…I accept this and decide just to carry over the preliminary to the supplemental despite the fact it makes no sense. I also quickly come to realize that this will be a very email intensive project, which is a problem.

See the network is awful. No that’s not a good way to describe it…Apocalyptically bad, so rancid that it melts your face off, terrible beyond all measure. It’s the kind of network that Hell would have, as the devil locks you into a code sweatshop where you are forced to debug Fortran written in pig-latin, as bloated tick like managers critique every keystroke. I could shout the 1s and 0s faster over a phone line, and in some places they still use old school modems so I might have to. In addition they have stripped away all the tools I could use to send via email like wevdav. My option is to dance the dance of the dead with exchange and then pray they don’t touch the exchange server…a futile prayer.

Most of the actual talking in the meeting is about deleting fields in the DB and removing data tables and pruning old data. This blows my mind, as they want to be able to archive the data but still use it actively, in effect creating two separate databases running alongside each other but complexly separate but covering the same business operation…or as I like to call it database hell. I plead with them to not force to take such an action and I earn a temporary reprieve. They still wish for me to go in and play Jenga with the tables…removing fields that are foreign keys…did I mention the code is outrageously out of date, not commented, and not in a language I know? I have one week to solve the puzzle or call it quits for this nightmare game.

I have a meeting again next week and another the week after. I’m glad it happened today, all I could think of after the meeting is having a tall cold glass of vodka and staring at my wall till the darkness overtakes me…

...and thats how I met Lord Valain

Have you ever had a friend that you can link most of the oddities in your life to, and most of the major life decisions? That if you look back you can see a clear line where you’re life turned upside down because of them.

It was years ago. A fresh faced kid out of high school was in a game store looking to get a new game, a new old west game I’d recently heard about. He was standing there and we struck up a conversation, and this is how I met Lord Valain.

It’s important to note at this point I was both working and going to college, believe it or not I had aspirations to be a productive member of society, a mechanical engineer. While I was by no means Mr. Popularity, but I was in shape and I was dating a few girls. All in all life was great. Then I discovered something, like other people fall into drug addiction or drink their lives away I got hooked… on Romance of the Three Kingdoms 6.

Like many addictions it started off small and I though “Hey I can handle this”. I began hanging you with Valain, and falling into addiction and we both got hooked on ROTTK6. Valain was between jobs and I wasn’t…so I started to cut class. At first just ones I thought that weren’t important and then it slowly spread to all of my classes. I still managed to keep my job but I kept finding myself in a situation where I would play through the night at the game de jour and then go into work for the day. And like most addictions, ROTTK6 served as a gateway drug, I found that I had become a gamer. I remember one weekend in particular where I didn’t sleep, and showed up for work in the same clothes 2 days in a row. Yeah I was an addict.

So the natural course took over and I quit school and bounced around the job market and Valain moved out of town. Eventually I pulled my life together after getting a talking to by my old man. I was back to working, back into school finishing my degree, back in shape and dating again…and who should come back into my life but Valain.

Now Valain had set himself up as a computer programmer, something I had dabbled in, but only in an amateur way. Valain started telling me about a job opening he had. I finished up my degree and in the job hunt Valain offered me the most money. At this point I had a life, a girlfrierd Redhead and friends and family in the town I was in. Of course I ended up getting talked into moving by Valain, packed my bag and moved in with him.

My life changed but a lot of things were not immediately noticeable…I was still talking with Redhead a lot and she had family in the new town. There was even talk of her coming down to go to school here to. That all fell through when she felt that I was too distant and had to hook up with an old boyfriend. After that my appearance started to suffer and I went through was affectionately known as my hussy phase. I was looking at law school and Valain talked me into going to the local one. I had better scholarships, to higher rated schools…but he talked me into it. I can still remember his words “Come on Shameful, you’ll only save $30,000! It’s only $30,000, that’s nothing!”

Then after deciding to hang out and go to law school here, Lord Valain moved once more. So I’m stuck here in a town I don’t much care for in a school that I’m more or less indifferent to, waiting to graduate. And once again I have Valain talking to me “So I think I can get you a job up here. Come on you’ll love it here!” He might be right in most ways Valain and I are essentially the same guy; same tastes, same likes, same opinions (expect I’m more “liberal”). I’ve realized he’s been involved in most of my life decisions, all from the fateful day at the Nerdatoruim. But how could I be made at what is essentially me? I love me!

They say you hurt the ones you love, well it works both ways.

So is this like the 2nd seal of the end times?

After my day I came home looking to settle in for my glorious 1 day weekend. A day that is all about this guy, but I pull up to my place someone is parking in my space. Odd Roommate never has anyone over, he's a hermit...

So turns out as I'm going up to the door a cute girl steps out...and behind her Roommate. To say I was stunned would be an understatement. Now I had suspicions that he was seeing a girl but no proof, my only thought was no one could be working out as much as he claimed. I'm greeted with a stunned look on Roommates face.

"Oh high Shameful....this is Girl" and after a brief introduction he leaves her and follows me into the house. "Shameful what's up, why are you home early?" He's clearly a little shaken. I explain that today is my short day...so I only get home very late instead of insanely late. "But Shameful...I didn't expect you for another hour..." and he scurries outside and they take off. Which is great because Girl was in my parking space, and I'm a busy guy who hates to walk.

Roommate is no ladies man, hell I'm glad he's with a girl but that was yet another kick to the old ego. Here I am, broke, out of shape, tired, and nerdy. All alone on a Friday night when my equally neckbeardy pal Roommate is out with a girl.

I might have to look for the party liquor... On the plus side I owe Roommate for inviting his mom over when I was trying to put the moves on one of my old girlfriends, maybe he was worried that I'm the vindictive type. So is walking around with you're balls out taboo when you're roommate has a girl over?

The programmer is always wrong

So today was my first meeting with the big client. I was in no way prepared, how could I be? No email, no code, no access…I was ready to rock and roll!

I return from my classes to find that a meeting was going on. I was initially dismissed because it was not my time, to be displayed to them to be verbally abused. I take the opportunity to contemplate what I will say for myself…but mainly I surfed the net.

When the time came I painted on a big smile and went notebook in hand to the jackals. One of them I had met before Big Wig 1, and the other boss Big Wig 2. With a smile I introduce myself and exchange handshakes. But before I can even sit down Big Boss 1 hits me with “So Shameful, what are you going to do for us?”

Through my fake smile I reply “Well I guess that depends on what you want and what and when you want it” She looks angrily at my boss and beings to talk in broad generalities how terrible the product she is using is. The last programmer here built it for them, and she HATES him. “OldGuy never fixed anything that we asked for!” As she is detailing her distain for the program I write it down, since I know I’ll have to addresses these concerns later and they are shockingly minor but then she spits out a nugget of pure gold. OldGuy’s program would not let them rewrite their history logs.

See it turns out that they have process they have to work through, by law if I’m not mistaken, that is built into the current program. Once a record is generated it is not altered and subsequent reports have to me made to amend it. After all it prevents people from going in and changing records after the fact. Turns out obeying the law is painfully inconvenient for Big Wig 1 and her staff. Trying not to be overly confrontational I point out that the system is one based on the permission structure they provided our office and it’s in accordance with the design we were forced to implement. Not to be dissuaded Big Wig 1 continued to rail against the unfairness of obeying the law. To my utter amazement my boss actually supported my stance, but could not stop the tirade.

An idea struck me, to hell with it, let them violate the rules. I’d implement a design change that would let them violate the rule but would keep a paper trail that any investigator could follow. The Big Wigs seemed quite pleased with my suggested change. Though I’m not sure they understood that what I meant about keeping an ongoing record of the transactions including the altered and deleted ones. I don’t really know their real motives, but that’s their problem not mine. After all I can claim ignorance of the law, I’m just a law student and we don’t know dick.

Onto the next issue, I explain that since the code they are using is about to be made useable by Windows 7 I advocate a change to a whole new system. This is greeted by open hate “Well how fast can you get it to us?” Now I have no data to work no process structure, no code, no help, not even basic email, so I lie and estimate 2-3 months “Well OldGuy promised us stuff for years and we never got it, we have been waiting since 2001 and he never got around to it!” The tirade continued and I continued gave assurances. I wonder if she thinks I’m stupid, the first version of the program they are using wasn’t even rolled out till 2003.

The conversation continued and Big Wig 1 threatened my boss with doing business with the same consultant my boss had given our code out to. It was all I could do not to break down laughing. I mean seriously he just gave away our code base to the competition…what’s next will he actually the consultants be sitting in my office behind me watching my screen so he can steal code on the fly? I made a new vow, from now on my comments will be pure garbage. If I have to give my code away to some random asshole consultant then it’s going to be hard to understand…maybe I’ll code my comments in Mandarin. Is it wrong I hope he the consultant gets the contract? All he does is subcontract out code to Indian programmers, and we all know how quality that work is.

After Big Wig 1 was done insulting me and OldGuy, another meeting was set for next Friday because as it turns out the person who actually knows the process and can give me the data to start the database is not around. So I have the pleasure of doing this again next week. I’ve been promised the process data, a log of the reported errors, and the source code by then…So I’m taking odds on if I will have any of that before the meeting. Currently I’m estimating that at a solid 1-2% chance of happening. Thank God it’s Friday, maybe tonight I can drown my shame in vodka, or Old Spice.

A shameful path has lead me here

So I'm working again. I missed a year of work because I was a fool, and decided it was time for law school. Now for those of you who don't know, law school is a place for human suffering and debt accumulation, under the guise of doing something “noble” or “expanding you’re horizons”. But it gets worse, when the suffering truly hits a crescendo and you foolishly believe that life could get no worse, that is when the job hunt begins. Now working in Satan's Profession is not as easy as one might think. It turns out that there are a lot of lawyers out there, hungry sociopaths chasing ambulances pleading for work. They need the work, the student loans are so large that they will crush the soul and leave only a husk of a person behind. This was always the case but due to the meltdown the profession of law resembles a blasted nightmare Hellscape where men are driven mad and women cry out to the heavens for deliverance. Students with great grades and great extracurriculars can't find jobs (unless they will work for free). My grades suck, my extracurriculars suck, but I got a job. But then I'm no normal law student. I am a neckbeard, a nerd, a computer programmer.

My desire for such frivolities such as shelter and electricity, as well as a wish not to be made Uncle Sugar's eternal debt slave drove me back into the arms of the most evil of masters, the computer. Computers are a lot like the God of the Old Testament, a lot of rules and no mercy. My job is to tell them what to do. It’s sort of like being a teacher…only instead of giving knowledge to children it’s like commanding a genie whose only desire is to turn your wishes against you. Think of the monkey paw from the Twilight Zone or Simpson’s Treehouse of Horror, you’ll get what you ask for but it will be twisted in some way.

As an added jab of comedy I’m working in the same office I was before I went into the den of suffering (law school). On the plus side people know me and I wasn’t a dick the first time I was there, and I’m coming in with a nice raise. But there are disadvantages as well, such as the job is really less about programming and more about me being Google or the Amazing Kreskin. As an example in my first meeting with my new boss he begins asking me questions about his network. He is allegedly the network “expert” and he wants me to advise him on his network, a network I have never worked with. I buy him off with an “I’ll research that and get back to you”. And so it begins…

Today was the first staff meeting where I was reintroduced to rest of the staff. The staff is mostly inept PC techs, and a few inept system admis. Hell the only guy who is arguably not completely inept is me and I’m no gem, my skills atrophied by a year of mind melting law school. The feelings about my triumphant return were mixed, but most are glad that there is a programmer to blame their problems on once again. This office is renowned for blaming the database for failings such as the power turning off, the phones shutting down, freak heat waves, fires, and flooding. I know it’s going to be a bumpy ride but a twist was added right off, the administrative assistant declared war on me. The AA made a gleeful announcement that “Shameful will be getting a Blackberry soon so you can ask him you’re questions!” I sat in mute horror. She had given carte-blanch for the techs to ask me all of their little questions and to solve all of their problems. I silently thanked God for Google and bit my tongue.

As the meeting moves on I’m asked what I’ve been working on. Now I’ve been back since Monday and here it is Thursday. It’s important to note that my boss has kept his distance since that first fateful meeting including missing a follow meeting with me. I have been given no direction for projects or access to anything except a laptop. I had not accomplished much, but I learned a few things.

1. My boss had stolen the source code left behind for the next programmer (me)
2. My boss had shown the source code to a consultant for no real reason
3. I found a way around the websense blocker so as to entertain myself online

After bringing up 1 and my lack of access he seemed pleased with my answers and the meeting moved on. Near the end of the meeting I was asked if I could meet with our primary client about problems they have been having and their new database requirements. I of course was not given any data about the specifics of the problem or any way to research the problems as I have no source code. I of course agree to the meeting. It should be tomorrow and I can only expect it to be funny. Sure I’ll miss a class (still in law school here) but how can I say no to a blind meeting with the main client? I can’t miss this chance to show off my ignorance!